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REVISION
HELL 101... 102... 103...
Mia Zachary copyright November 2002
Introduction
My
first completed manuscript for RED SHOES & A DIARY had already been
through four re-writes by the time I submitted it to Brenda Chin in
February of 2001. A full editor read was part of my prize from the 2000
Blazing Summer Contest. I got Brenda’s first revision letter on
September 14, 2001. It was four pages long. Single spaced. I honestly
wondered what the hell she did like about the story. Some of her
comments are as follows:
General comments
In
Temptation and Blaze, we tend to spend a lot of time in the early
chapters building character development. We need to identify with the
heroine immediately and we need to fall in love with the hero
immediately. Then, once the reader knows that these two will be fine
with each other, they can sit back and enjoy the ride. (Readers love to
know things characters don’t!)
We need to get to know the heroine a bit more. We need to totally
understand her at this point of the story. Does she need to find
herself, sexually as well as emotionally? If she’s out to experience
wonderful sex and nothing else, you have to make us feel that that is
exactly what she thinks she needs at that point. (Of course, the
no-strings-attached rule will get old real soon). We, as women, identify
with a heroine through her insecurities. Let us know that the heroine
has an agenda, but might not be sure she can pull it off.
We need to know that both characters are primed for an affair—and that
each is blown away by their reaction to the other. You need to build
overwhelming attraction on both parts by this point, and nail down her
reasons for wanting an affair. We, the readers, need to believe those
reasons. We need to believe that she needs an affair to regain her
sexual self-esteem.
One of the hooks of this story could be that neither protagonist wants a
relationship in the beginning—and then don’t know how to tell the
other one that they do want one in the end.
There are a lot of love scenes in this book—but they don’t serve a
lot of purpose. A love scene needs to tell us something about the
characters and somehow further the plot. Have a look at some of your
scenes and find a way to make each one mean more.
A love scene needs to tell us something about the characters and somehow
further the plot. We’re talking about a mature relationship here—one
that isn’t always over in a minute. Sometimes two people need time to
realize that as much as they want to make something work, they can’t.
Specific
comments
Pg.
5 Let’s have him read one entry, not the whole thing.
Pg. 18 the sexual innuendo isn’t working because there’s not enough
sexual tension between them. You’ve got great dialogue between these
two, but somehow, we aren’t feeling the tension.
Pg. 24 This is the first we hear that she’s got a career in law. But
somehow, she doesn’t come across as a would-be lawyer. She’s not
cynical enough…and typically first-born children are the ones who go
into this field. Do we need her to be in this field? If you want, give
me a call and
we can talk about this. But it strikes me that her career and her
motivations just don’t fit.
Pg. 50 Alfonso is a stereotype. Can we give him more depth?
Pg. 65 She propositions him. Again, this isn’t quite working because
the sexual tension needs to be much greater.
Pg. 98 Alex needs to have greater depth of character too. I like the
background you’ve given him, but he doesn’t always act like that
background’ s his. He’s a little too cocky, too sure of himself. We
never see any insecurities, nor any driving need for him to be doing
what he's doing. You've given him the right background—now he has to
wear that background like a coat. His background is him—and we have to
feel it.
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